Relationships can feel like a perfectly choreographed dance—until one partner decides to sit out on the sidelines. You can be suited up, laced in your dancing shoes, counting the beat in your head, and still, your partner might refuse to join in. Couples therapy is meant to help both parties find their rhythm again, but what happens when only one person wants to do the work? It’s a question that hovers over the sessions like a glaring spotlight, illuminating all the unspoken truths hiding in the corners.
In the same way Hannah Einbinder never really planned on stepping into the limelight—yet discovered her calling by showing up for the work—some couples navigate therapy with varying degrees of readiness, intention, and vulnerability. And that difference in willingness can change everything.
Welcome to a backstage pass of what goes down when couples therapy becomes a solo act.
The Calm Before the Storm
Picture the therapy office: a tranquil space with soft lighting and a strategically placed box of tissues. Two seats, presumably for two equally invested partners, perch across from a calm, steady-voiced therapist. The possibility for transformation hovers in the air. Ideally, this is where the walls come down, and constructive dialogue flows.
But in many cases, only one member of the couple shows real interest. The other is a reluctant attendee, arms folded, eyes rolling, maybe surreptitiously scrolling through their phone beneath the table. They’ve done the polite thing by showing up but decided that’s about as far as their contribution is going to go.
This initial lack of involvement might seem small at first—a shrug here, a half-answered question there—but it plants seeds of doubt in the mind of the willing partner. Before you know it, resentment and frustration can blossom, overshadowing any hope of progress. It’s like showing up to a job interview for the job of “better relationship” only to realize your partner’s phone is on silent mode… permanently.
When the Script Isn’t Followed
Couples therapy relies on honest, active participation—think of it like learning lines for a brand-new script that two main characters need to deliver. If one is nailing every cue, memorizing every bit of dialogue, and the other refuses even to open the script, the outcome is predictably disastrous.
Resistance can show up in different costumes. Some partners may not see any problem at all (“We’re fine—I don’t know why we’re even here”), while others might fear being judged and criticized in front of a stranger. At its core, refusal to engage often stems from a reluctance to embrace genuine change. Real talk: change is intimidating. It requires confronting difficult emotions, past traumas, or lifelong habits.
Yet a shared willingness to do that soul-searching is essential. When one partner stonewalls the process, it’s not just about ignoring the weekly “homework” your therapist assigns—it’s effectively stunting the growth of the entire relationship. In the world of therapy, participation isn’t optional; it’s everything.
The Emotional Toll on the Willing Partner
For the partner who does want to be there, it can feel like a bad dream in slow motion. You might find yourself carrying the weight of every session, reading self-help articles until dawn, journaling your frustrations, or venting to friends who all say the same thing: “How much longer can you do this?”
That’s the big question: how long are you willing to tolerate a relationship in which only you show up? If you’re experiencing that brand of solitude, it can be devastating. You walk into therapy brimming with hope, convinced that maybe today is the breakthrough. By the time the session ends, you’re left alone in your convictions, watching your partner shrug off any suggestions the therapist has given.
To sustain that dynamic, you either need limitless hope or near-infinite patience. But nobody has an unending supply of either. This is a pivotal point where you start taking stock of your boundaries, and yes, maybe even questioning whether you want to remain in the relationship as it is.
When Individual Therapy Might Be the Opening Act
Sometimes, couples therapy is too big a stage for a reluctant partner. They’re aware there are issues—but hashing them out in front of the person who’s expecting them to change can feel overwhelming. In these instances, individual therapy can be the gentler stepping stone.
Individual therapy offers a space to grapple with personal fears, insecurities, or past traumas without the pressure of an audience. If your partner is defensive or unresponsive in couples therapy, it may be because they’re not ready to face certain truths or share them publicly. A one-on-one setting with a therapist might help them peel back those layers without feeling attacked or judged.
For the partner who’s already all in on couples therapy, suggesting individual sessions for your significant other might seem like a sideways step. And maybe it is, but sideways isn’t necessarily backward. If anything, it’s a chance for them to start where they are, in a space that feels safe and less confrontational. Sometimes that’s all it takes to spark momentum.
Deciding When Enough is Enough
Determining if, and when, the relationship is no longer viable is often the hardest question in this entire conversation. Let’s lay down the facts:
Consistent Lack of Effort: One-sided enthusiasm can survive for a while—especially if you’re the hopeful type—but eventually, you might reach the end of your rope.
Escalating Resentment: Each unproductive therapy session can exacerbate the sense of emotional isolation. Over time, that accumulates into full-blown resentment.
Repeated Promises, Little Follow-Through: The partner who refuses to engage might say they’ll “try harder,” only to revert to passivity. A cycle of empty promises can wear out the most determined hearts.
Blurred Boundaries: If you start excusing harmful behaviors or ignoring your own mental well-being, that’s a red flag that the relationship dynamic has become detrimental.
There’s no universal timeline for how long you should stick around. Each relationship is unique, shaped by history, hope, and the intangible chemistry that first brought you together. If, despite therapy and repeated invitations to participate, your partner shows zero improvement, it may be time to reevaluate. That reevaluation might look like a break, an ultimatum, or even a decision to part ways.
The Path Forward: Rewriting the Ending
For couples struggling with this imbalance, remember that sometimes the greatest catalyst for change is stepping away from the shared space of therapy and focusing on individual growth. If your partner’s refusal to work is a symptom of deeper unresolved issues, then addressing those issues one-on-one might be the only path toward any real transformation.
At the same time, you, the more willing partner, have the right to make your own mental health a priority. Invest in solo therapy if you need a safe space to talk about your frustrations, examine your boundaries, and plan your next steps. While couples therapy works best when both partners are engaged, your individual well-being should never be treated as a footnote.
Its Not About Winning
Couples therapy isn’t about “winning” or “losing”; it’s about co-creating a stronger, more resilient bond. But if one partner refuses to join that creative process, it’s like performing a duet with an invisible partner. You might continue singing bravely into the microphone, but the harmony never materializes.
There is no magic wand to fix a relationship in which one party flat-out refuses to grow. Growth is, after all, voluntary—and rarely happens under duress. With patience, firm boundaries, and a willingness to seek help in whatever form works best, you might inch closer to the relationship you both deserve. Or you might discover that the best resolution is to move on, leaving behind a situation that no longer nurtures either of you.
Either way, taking an honest look at the dance you’re in—and deciding what happens when your partner won’t step onto the floor—could be the most important decision you make. One person can’t do all the dancing, but they can decide how they want the show to go on.
