There’s a certain brand of audacity that comes with being 19. The kind that lets you waltz into major life decisions armed with a mix of naivety and misplaced confidence, convinced that you’ve cracked some kind of cosmic code that people twice your age just don’t get. For me, that audacity manifested as marriage. I was young, in the military, fiercely independent, and deeply convinced that love—whatever that meant at the time—was enough. Spoiler: it wasn’t.
Four years later, I was divorced.
Now, as a psychologist working exclusively with couples, I look back at my 19-year-old self with a blend of compassion and exasperation. She didn’t know what she didn’t know. And while life has a way of imparting its wisdom, I wish someone had sat me down and asked me three fundamental questions before I said “I do.” Because these questions? They would have saved me—and many others—so much heartache.
1. Why Are You Truly Getting Married?
Let’s get something out of the way: “Because I love them” isn’t enough. Not by a long shot. Love is beautiful, but it’s also nebulous. It’s the foundation, sure, but it’s not the entire blueprint. If marriage is a house, love is just the land it’s built on. You need structure, materials, a plan.
When I was 19, I thought love was enough. I had no real models of what a healthy marriage looked like. My parents’ relationship was rocky at best, and my only real criteria for success was “as long as it’s not like that.” Not exactly a sturdy foundation.
I wish someone had asked me to dig deeper. Why did I want to get married? Was it because it felt like the next step? Because it provided a sense of security? Because, in a life that felt uncontrollable, marriage seemed like a stable thing to hold onto?
If you’re considering marriage, ask yourself: Am I choosing this person for who they are today, or for who I hope they’ll become? Because spoiler alert—people change. And if your love is conditional on them morphing into some idealized version of themselves, you’re setting yourself up for disillusionment.
2. How Comfortable Are You With Vulnerability?
The irony of my marriage? My ex-husband was the emotionally open one. He was expressive, willing to share his fears and frustrations. Me? I had two emotional states: happy or angry. Everything else was locked away in a vault labeled DO NOT OPEN.
Part of this was my military background. Vulnerability wasn’t a currency I traded in. I was in a male-dominated field where toughness wasn’t just encouraged—it was required. I prided myself on being strong, self-sufficient, and unshakable. Unfortunately, those aren’t exactly the qualities that nurture intimacy.
Marriage, at its core, is about connection. And connection requires vulnerability. If you can’t show your partner your fears, your insecurities, your ugly crying at 2 a.m. because life is overwhelming moments, then what you have isn’t a partnership—it’s a performance.
Years later, I stumbled upon Brené Brown’s TED Talk on vulnerability, and it was like a slap in the face. That was the missing piece. I wasn’t just avoiding emotional intimacy; I was actively sabotaging it. And looking back, I realize how much that distance contributed to my marriage’s unraveling.
So ask yourself: Are you comfortable being fully seen? Because if you’re not, marriage won’t magically fix that—it will only amplify it.
3. Do You Want to Be Right, or Do You Want to Be Loved?
Ah, the noble art of arguing. If marriage were a courtroom, I would have made one hell of a lawyer. I could debate, dissect, and dismantle any argument thrown my way. And I took immense pride in being right.
What I didn’t realize at the time? Being right often came at the cost of being loved.
I see this pattern in couples all the time—this need to win, to prove a point, to establish dominance in the realm of logic. But marriage isn’t about keeping score. There are no trophies for “Most Correct Spouse.” Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is let go of the need to win and prioritize the relationship instead.
I think back to all the moments my ex-husband tried to extend an olive branch, to make amends, and how often I stood my ground instead, convinced that conceding meant losing. But in reality, I was losing something much more valuable—a chance for connection, for understanding, for peace.
So before you tie the knot, ask yourself: Would you rather be victorious, or would you rather be valued? Because the latter will serve you far better in the long run.
Knowing Yourself Before You Say “I Do”
Marriage is often framed as the merging of two lives. But what happens when one or both of those lives are still in flux? When I got married at 19, I was still figuring out who I was. I changed so much in those first few years—my beliefs, my priorities, my goals. And my ex-husband did too.
Change is inevitable, especially in your early 20s. The question isn’t whether you and your partner will grow—it’s how you will grow, and whether that growth will bring you closer or push you apart.
Today, my ex and I are both in much healthier relationships. We were as good to each other as we could be at the time, but that doesn’t mean we were right for each other. And that’s okay.
If you’re considering marriage—especially at a young age—do yourself a favor. Reflect. Ask the hard questions. Not just about your partner, but about yourself. Because the most important thing you can bring into a marriage isn’t just love or commitment.
It’s self-awareness.
And trust me—your future self will thank you for it.
