When it comes to exploring non-monogamy, most people imagine love as limitless, thrilling, and freeing. But when theory meets reality, things can get complicated fast. Hearts and emotions are involved, and navigating multiple relationships often feels like a tightrope walk. What makes it even more challenging is understanding how to establish rules, agreements, and boundaries in a way that supports everyone’s well-being.
I’m Sheena, and I specialize in helping non-monogamous couples like you find clarity amidst the beauty and complexity of multiple loves. If the intricacies of maintaining healthy relationships in a non-monogamous dynamic have left you feeling stuck, you’re in the right place. Let’s break down the differences between rules, agreements, and boundaries so you can build a relationship structure that’s both empowering and sustainable.
Rules: Fear and Control Masquerading as Safety
Rules are often the default approach, especially in the early stages of non-monogamous relationships. Why? Because they feel like safety nets. But here’s the reality about rules—they are usually driven by fear, control, and panic. Rules tend to take the form of ultimatums or restrictions on your partner’s behavior, like, “You’re not allowed to stay over at their house,” or “I don’t want you texting them late at night.”
Rules attempt to create security by controlling external behaviors, but they often miss the mark. Instead of fostering trust, they create tension and the potential for resentment. That’s because rules are one-sided, and they strip away your partner’s autonomy. Instead of addressing the real fears or insecurities that might underlie the need for the rule, they plaster over the issue without resolving it.
Agreements: Collaboration and Connection
Unlike rules, agreements are built on trust, shared values, and open communication. Instead of being driven by fear, agreements are co-created between partners with the goal of supporting the relationship as a whole. They answer the question, “How can we thrive together in this dynamic?”
An example of an agreement might be, “We will check in with each other weekly to discuss our feelings and experiences in other relationships,” or “We’ll communicate before introducing a new partner into our dynamic.” Agreements foster long-term stability because they are created collaboratively and can evolve as the relationship does.
The key with agreements is that they are based on mutual respect and the shared goal of making everyone feel safe and valued. Unlike rules, agreements don’t feel like imprisonment; they feel like a foundation for growth.
Boundaries: Self-Respect and Emotional Safety
Boundaries are often misunderstood in relationships, especially in non-monogamy. While a rule might focus on controlling someone else, and an agreement is something you decide on together, boundaries are personal. They’re about you.
A boundary is a limit you set to protect your emotional well-being and integrity. It’s not about policing your partner’s behavior but about taking responsibility for your own needs. For example, you might set a boundary like, “If I’m feeling overwhelmed, I’ll need to step back and have alone time for reflection.”
Boundaries empower you to take care of yourself without stepping on your partner’s autonomy. They’re not about controlling others; they’re about preserving your own emotional safety. Setting boundaries can sometimes feel vulnerable, but it’s one of the most powerful tools for fostering self-respect and maintaining healthy dynamics in a relationship.
How to Make It Work
Understanding the differences between rules, agreements, and boundaries is just the first step. The real work is figuring out how to effectively implement them in your non-monogamous relationship. It takes time, patience, and above all, open communication.
Maybe you still feel unsure about how to move forward, or maybe past attempts to establish rules or agreements have led to conflict or confusion. That’s okay. Non-monogamy is a path of growth, not perfection. If you’re ready to develop the tools to thrive within your unique dynamic, I’d love to help you.
Visit my website at intimacyinprogress.com for more resources and to learn how I can support you on this beautiful and complex journey. Together, we can build a foundation where love truly multiplies.
