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In this mini episode of Intimacy Today, Dr. Sheena Glover discusses the challenges of managing each other’s emotions in relationships. She explains how trying to control or suppress emotions can be detrimental to the relationship, leading to feelings of invalidation and lack of safety. Dr. Glover encourages self-awareness and communication as key tools to break the pattern of emotional management.
By taking time to understand and express their own reactions, partners can create a healthier dynamic and maintain connection. Ultimately, the goal is to empower individuals to address their emotions openly and collaboratively for a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
Five Line Summary:
- Dr. Sheena Glover discusses the challenges of managing each other’s emotions in relationships and how it can create problems.
- This behavior can impact the receiving partner’s sense of safety and self-expression.
- The origins of this behavior are explored, highlighting the importance of self-awareness and communication.
- Therapy and journaling are suggested as tools for recognizing and changing these patterns.
- Communicating the need for space and time alone is advised to foster a healthier relationship.
Transcript Outline:
- Dr. Sheena Glover discusses the troubles of managing each other’s emotions in relationships.
- She asks for the audience’s thoughts on the matter.
Definition and Dysfunction
- Exploring the meaning of managing each other’s emotions in a relationship.
- Focus on anxiety, anger, and sadness as emotions that create a dysfunctional pattern.
- The analogy of a gas pedal and a brake pedal is used to illustrate this concept.
Impact on the Receiving Partner
- The receiving partner feels like they are not allowed to have their own emotions and experiences.
- They may feel unsafe and have to hide a part of themselves.
- The partner managing the emotions may not intentionally seek this reaction, but it only benefits them and not the relationship.
Understanding the Origins
- Previous unhealthy relationship dynamics and a lack of emotional modeling can contribute to this behavior.
- The importance of understanding oneself and the origins of this tendency.
- Tuning into one’s own body signals and reactions to their partner’s emotions.
Recognizing and Changing Patterns
- The benefits of therapy and journaling in recognizing and changing patterns of managing emotions.
- The significance of self-awareness and catching oneself in moments of trying to manage their partner’s emotions.
- Changing these patterns may be challenging, but a useful tip is provided.
Communication and Collaboration
- Communicating internal awareness to one’s partner can make it less threatening.
- The need for collaboration to stay connected when feeling unsafe.
- The importance of supporting each other and taking time for self-care when overwhelmed.
- Communicating the need for space and time alone to foster a healthier relationship.
Conclusion
- Dr. Glover advises listeners to communicate with their partners about their need for space and time alone.
- This can help create a healthier relationship.
- The episode concludes with a promotion of the podcast and a promise to return in two weeks.
Title: Transcript – Sun, 21 Apr 2024 01:19:12 GMT
Date: Sun, 21 Apr 2024 01:19:12 GMT, Duration: [00:12:30.54]
Speaker: Sheena Glover
Welcome to Intimacy Today. I am your host Doctor. Sheena Glover. And today is a mini episode. And in my mini episodes, I try to provide bite sized moments of intimacy and how to improve connection. And today’s episode is all about the troubles of managing each other’s emotions. Now on the surface, managing each other’s emotions sounds like a really good thing on paper. It implies that there might be some type of Welsh orchestrated strategies and and some productivity. But when we get to the nitty gritty of this experience and when it’s sent in a relationship, it actually creates a lot of problems. And I’d love to get your take on what you, if you end up doing this, what you might think about this. I wanna start with what does it mean to manage each other’s emotions. So oftentimes, couples who’ve been together for a while start to learn each other’s way of being, and there are certain emotions that can produce a particular pattern, namely anxiety, anger, sadness. Those are the emotions. They, unfortunately, get a bad rep in the relationship. But when these emotions show up in their partner or in both partners, it creates a dysfunctional pattern that both people want to try to mitigate. And so there comes the problem of one or both trying to manage each other’s emotions. And I the way that I think is best illustrated is, like, imagine a gas pedal and a brake pedal. And you know how you get into the tendency that if you’re if you like to drive and you like to take control of driving and you happen to be in the passenger seat, you have your imaginary brakes because you don’t have control and you’re letting your the person driving, do all these scary turns and maneuvers, and you’re like, oh, I wish I could just step on the the brakes. That is what it’s maybe a beautiful visual of what you could be doing when you’re in that type of dynamic with your partner where you’re managing the other person’s emotion. You’re trying to press on the invisible gas and breaks of the other person’s emotion. And here’s the the impact of that. This is how the person, the partner that is receiving the management kind of feels, and it is that they’re being told subliminally that they’re not allowed to have that emotion, that they’re not allowed to have a very real experience of a moment. And when I’m not allowed, that means that there’s no space in this relationship. That means that I don’t feel safe, and so I have to go and put this away. I have to hide and conceal a part of myself. Now did that partner who’s managing the emotion try for that particular reaction? Absolutely not. In fact, it is oftentimes a way of supporting, at least in the mind of the person who is managing, And they don’t realize it that that style of support is only beneficial for one person, and it’s not beneficial for the relationship. What I mean by that is that the person that is managing is the one who’s getting all the support because they are so uncomfortable seeing their partner in that particular emotional state that they’re not actually putting themselves aside. They’re actually only thinking about themselves and how it’s impacting them. And so it’s not very clear in the moment, but as I say this, I imagine that people who might have this tendency can see just a little bit that this isn’t actually supportive, but it could actually be invalidating. And so how do we kind of reclaim that one word of support? How do we actually support our partner as well as not go into this management style of saying you are or are not allowed to have a particular emotion? And the first place to start is understanding yourself. Where does this particular tendency come from? And for some couples, if one partner or both partners were in very unhealthy relationship dynamics prior to that relationship and they happen to have a partner who’s very reactive, you might have accidentally been conditioned into immediately trying to go into triage mode and trying to manage your partner’s experiences so that you can try to to mitigate the blowback, the volume, or the explosiveness of that emotion. And for others, this could be a long term history where they grew up in an environment, whether it be a parent that was reactive or a family or a household that never talked about emotion. Nothing was ever modeled. And so as a result, you feel very uncertain about certain emotions. So all emotions kinda get mislabeled as not good or unproductive. And so you have this lack of exposure or overexposure. And to be aware of that is going to be so beneficial because oftentimes, we have our own collection of reaction to our partner’s emotions. So, for example, if my partner is angry and I feel uncomfortable, it’s better for me to tune in of what’s being signaled in my own body. And then take it a step further, How am I assigning meaning to this? Am I looking at it as, oh, because I feel uncomfortable, this experience means that my partner is dangerous or unsafe or is annoying or it’s threatening to my joy and happiness. Like, those are the stories that sometimes we we don’t even realize that we’re telling ourselves. So knowing what’s happening in your own body as well as understanding the meaning making of this emotional experience we’re having is gonna be two very important pieces of information that you can then use to know how to go further and process it further. And if you have the privilege of having access to therapy, this is a great way of just kind of unpacking this. But say, for instance, you don’t have therapy and you recognize this and you wanna change it, the best thing to do is to journal, at least from the start. Journaling actually helps you to see yourself over time, and it holds up holds you as, I guess, accountable by having you look at a mirror of yourself because it is a documentation of the thoughts that you’re you’re having. And the more you’re aware of this through journaling and just being in the moment, you can then catch yourself whenever you’re in an interaction like this with your partner, and you’re trying to manage their emotions. Now if you’re listening to this particular episode and you have, at the beginning, agreed that this is something you do, well, it has become a trend in your relationship. It is really hard initially to change this particular pattern because now your partner has been conditioned to expect you to start managing who is anticipating an argument, who’s anticipating invalidation. So changing this pattern is going to be slow, but this is the last piece of it that I think is going to be really useful. The more you communicate the awareness of what’s happening internally for you to your partner, the less threatening it can be for your partner. Your partner can maybe hear that, hey. When you are angry, my immediate reaction is alertness, and I feel like I have to diffuse a bomb. And I know that that only hurts you because you really just need this anger to come out, and you wanna express it to me. You wanna share it with me. But I don’t know how to do that when we feel or when I feel this unsafe. That is a cue for your partner to collaborate with you on how to stay connected. And if both partners are in the habit of managing each other’s emotions, and there are specific types of emotion that both are great supervisors and managers of. It is very important that when both or one is feeling something and they know that it can get really out of hand, telling your partner, hey. I’m gonna go take care of myself for fifteen to thirty minutes. I will be back, and that way I can stay present. But right now, I just need some time away, and I will be back. Make sure you tell your partner that you’ll be back. That way, the other partner can just start practicing being okay knowing that you’re feeling what you feel off in the corner, and you’ll be back and vice versa. And so this is initially a lot for some people, but this is going to be so helpful because, one, you’re not gonna be constantly stepping on an invisible break and going a little bit stir crazy because you’re not getting anywhere or it’s creating the very thing that you’re trying to avoid. But once you have this awareness, you are more empowered, and the the relationship becomes even healthier. So I invite you to, if you have this particular struggle, to try it out and see what that experience is like. This was another great moment of intimacy and I hope you enjoyed it just as much as I did talking about it. I will see you in two weeks. And if you haven’t already, subscribe to my podcast and I’ll talk to you soon.
Date: Sun, 21 Apr 2024 01:19:12 GMT, Duration: [00:12:30.54]
Speaker: Sheena Glover
Welcome to Intimacy Today. I am your host Doctor. Sheena Glover. And today is a mini episode. And in my mini episodes, I try to provide bite sized moments of intimacy and how to improve connection. And today’s episode is all about the troubles of managing each other’s emotions. Now on the surface, managing each other’s emotions sounds like a really good thing on paper. It implies that there might be some type of Welsh orchestrated strategies and and some productivity. But when we get to the nitty gritty of this experience and when it’s sent in a relationship, it actually creates a lot of problems. And I’d love to get your take on what you, if you end up doing this, what you might think about this. I wanna start with what does it mean to manage each other’s emotions. So oftentimes, couples who’ve been together for a while start to learn each other’s way of being, and there are certain emotions that can produce a particular pattern, namely anxiety, anger, sadness. Those are the emotions. They, unfortunately, get a bad rep in the relationship. But when these emotions show up in their partner or in both partners, it creates a dysfunctional pattern that both people want to try to mitigate. And so there comes the problem of one or both trying to manage each other’s emotions. And I the way that I think is best illustrated is, like, imagine a gas pedal and a brake pedal. And you know how you get into the tendency that if you’re if you like to drive and you like to take control of driving and you happen to be in the passenger seat, you have your imaginary brakes because you don’t have control and you’re letting your the person driving, do all these scary turns and maneuvers, and you’re like, oh, I wish I could just step on the the brakes. That is what it’s maybe a beautiful visual of what you could be doing when you’re in that type of dynamic with your partner where you’re managing the other person’s emotion. You’re trying to press on the invisible gas and breaks of the other person’s emotion. And here’s the the impact of that. This is how the person, the partner that is receiving the management kind of feels, and it is that they’re being told subliminally that they’re not allowed to have that emotion, that they’re not allowed to have a very real experience of a moment. And when I’m not allowed, that means that there’s no space in this relationship. That means that I don’t feel safe, and so I have to go and put this away. I have to hide and conceal a part of myself. Now did that partner who’s managing the emotion try for that particular reaction? Absolutely not. In fact, it is oftentimes a way of supporting, at least in the mind of the person who is managing, And they don’t realize it that that style of support is only beneficial for one person, and it’s not beneficial for the relationship. What I mean by that is that the person that is managing is the one who’s getting all the support because they are so uncomfortable seeing their partner in that particular emotional state that they’re not actually putting themselves aside. They’re actually only thinking about themselves and how it’s impacting them. And so it’s not very clear in the moment, but as I say this, I imagine that people who might have this tendency can see just a little bit that this isn’t actually supportive, but it could actually be invalidating. And so how do we kind of reclaim that one word of support? How do we actually support our partner as well as not go into this management style of saying you are or are not allowed to have a particular emotion? And the first place to start is understanding yourself. Where does this particular tendency come from? And for some couples, if one partner or both partners were in very unhealthy relationship dynamics prior to that relationship and they happen to have a partner who’s very reactive, you might have accidentally been conditioned into immediately trying to go into triage mode and trying to manage your partner’s experiences so that you can try to to mitigate the blowback, the volume, or the explosiveness of that emotion. And for others, this could be a long term history where they grew up in an environment, whether it be a parent that was reactive or a family or a household that never talked about emotion. Nothing was ever modeled. And so as a result, you feel very uncertain about certain emotions. So all emotions kinda get mislabeled as not good or unproductive. And so you have this lack of exposure or overexposure. And to be aware of that is going to be so beneficial because oftentimes, we have our own collection of reaction to our partner’s emotions. So, for example, if my partner is angry and I feel uncomfortable, it’s better for me to tune in of what’s being signaled in my own body. And then take it a step further, How am I assigning meaning to this? Am I looking at it as, oh, because I feel uncomfortable, this experience means that my partner is dangerous or unsafe or is annoying or it’s threatening to my joy and happiness. Like, those are the stories that sometimes we we don’t even realize that we’re telling ourselves. So knowing what’s happening in your own body as well as understanding the meaning making of this emotional experience we’re having is gonna be two very important pieces of information that you can then use to know how to go further and process it further. And if you have the privilege of having access to therapy, this is a great way of just kind of unpacking this. But say, for instance, you don’t have therapy and you recognize this and you wanna change it, the best thing to do is to journal, at least from the start. Journaling actually helps you to see yourself over time, and it holds up holds you as, I guess, accountable by having you look at a mirror of yourself because it is a documentation of the thoughts that you’re you’re having. And the more you’re aware of this through journaling and just being in the moment, you can then catch yourself whenever you’re in an interaction like this with your partner, and you’re trying to manage their emotions. Now if you’re listening to this particular episode and you have, at the beginning, agreed that this is something you do, well, it has become a trend in your relationship. It is really hard initially to change this particular pattern because now your partner has been conditioned to expect you to start managing who is anticipating an argument, who’s anticipating invalidation. So changing this pattern is going to be slow, but this is the last piece of it that I think is going to be really useful. The more you communicate the awareness of what’s happening internally for you to your partner, the less threatening it can be for your partner. Your partner can maybe hear that, hey. When you are angry, my immediate reaction is alertness, and I feel like I have to diffuse a bomb. And I know that that only hurts you because you really just need this anger to come out, and you wanna express it to me. You wanna share it with me. But I don’t know how to do that when we feel or when I feel this unsafe. That is a cue for your partner to collaborate with you on how to stay connected. And if both partners are in the habit of managing each other’s emotions, and there are specific types of emotion that both are great supervisors and managers of. It is very important that when both or one is feeling something and they know that it can get really out of hand, telling your partner, hey. I’m gonna go take care of myself for fifteen to thirty minutes. I will be back, and that way I can stay present. But right now, I just need some time away, and I will be back. Make sure you tell your partner that you’ll be back. That way, the other partner can just start practicing being okay knowing that you’re feeling what you feel off in the corner, and you’ll be back and vice versa. And so this is initially a lot for some people, but this is going to be so helpful because, one, you’re not gonna be constantly stepping on an invisible break and going a little bit stir crazy because you’re not getting anywhere or it’s creating the very thing that you’re trying to avoid. But once you have this awareness, you are more empowered, and the the relationship becomes even healthier. So I invite you to, if you have this particular struggle, to try it out and see what that experience is like. This was another great moment of intimacy and I hope you enjoyed it just as much as I did talking about it. I will see you in two weeks. And if you haven’t already, subscribe to my podcast and I’ll talk to you soon.
